🍀 Lucky

Lying awake at 3 am. My nose begins to run, not a cold, not allergies, Worry. I am worried about something, but I don’t really know what. I try to ignore it (impossible). I try to reach the tissues by the bed without opening my eyes (impossible).

My stomach rumbles. Hungry, yes, but also Worry. It is that strange feeling of maybe you over ate, maybe you have a sour stomach, maybe you want some food. Also impossible to ignore.

But lying next to me, rolling over to rub my back, and ask if I am okay, is my partner, my husband, my rock. Not judging or annoyed at being awoken. Just there, if and when I need him. He is there to hug, to listen, to hear.

Today, I am lucky. I am loved.

I am loved. I am important. I am worthy. I am me, and that is wonderful.

I do not fall back asleep, but run through my mind stopping at odd spots, like my first day of fifth grade, when I realized I was not something special. Or perhaps the beginning of anxiety in fourth grade when I did a presentation on Ireland, but the cassette tape had been put in the player with the wrong side up, and it didn’t play the wonderful Irish music to go with the Irish soda bread I had made the night before.

But at each turn and stop in my head, I know that it is okay. I am loved. I am lucky.

Tomorrow (really today) is a new day and I will try again. This is not my ‘normal’ middle of the night wake up. This is calm and contemplative. A bummer to not be asleep, but such a deep and profound sense of love and acceptance that I am almost brought to tears.


Missing piece

I miss you.

Today is the four day mark, when I am over  all the spaciousness of our bed, tired of the single parenting, and done with cooking for only little people who don’t really want to eat it anyway. 

I have not yet reached the searching for pictures of you, somewhere on your trip, that will be around day seven. The kids might start asking Monday though. A count down will start in their dry erase boards. I have been counting down in my head since before you even left. 

Today, I just miss you.

The kids have been good. The animals not too much work. I have kept them all fed and the kitchen is even somewhat clean. The laundry is getting done and the fire gets lit each morning, with the great kindling you left for me. Bedtime is not quite as regular, but with vacation, everybody gets a break.  

It was great to see your smile on FaceTime today. I could see you are getting tired, or maybe it is just the five hour time difference. 

I thought of you a lot today. I brought in more firewood and cleaned the leaves and sticks from the driveway. I trimmed back the wild roses and dragged them to the burn pile. We can have a bonfire after you return. That makes me smile.

I changed the sheets and vacuumed the floor and folded all the blankets on the sofa. Probably it is neater than when your home! 

Keeping busy. 

I miss you.