Three cheers

Today is a beautiful new day. It may be cloudy and the kids (as well as a friend) are all home this weekday. The car does need a rather important part fixed, and the house is certainly a mess. But today I am going to choose to see the good and the beauty. So here goes!

The bountiful harvest from my little ‘micro farm’! Being a very ‘Busy Bee’ I don’t find much time to work in my own vegetable garden. But I am certainly able to grow some easy to care for zucchini, cucumbers and delicata squash. These simply require watching out for the occasional bugs and perhaps a bit of watering and feeding. The heirloom tomatoes I grow in raised beds of tires, to warm up their roots and hopefully get tomatoes before the early Maine frost. These are my babies that I do indeed tend most days. The quiet moments of feeding or watering while looking closely for the tiny white or grey eggs of tomato horn worms is both calming and satisfying. These days my daily trip to the garden I come in with the lovely earthy smell of tomato plants on my hands and shirt and my hands over flowing with Green Zebra, Prudence Purple, and Roma tomatoes. The smell of the earth and the pleasure of growing my own food grounds me.

Last weekend’s four hour hike with the whole family, in a local state park. Not only did we get to see the last of the green leaves and the beginning of the beautiful colors of fall, but we also ALL went together. With lots of snacks, water bottles and sweaters too, we hiked up and down and along a beautiful ridge. It was a comfortably warm fall day that will be remembered as the days and nights get colder. Perhaps we may be inspired to try another local family hike, if the stars align to give us another day off together before snow flies. Time spent with family fills me with love.

Summer hair styles by the ocean. Seeing myself through the eyes of my children I am most often amazed at the beauty and strength. When they are bored, or needing to connect with me, all three of my children will braid, brush or style my hair. While I usually see all the split ends and gray hairs, they create four piece braids, French twists, Victorian updos and princess crowns. This particular creation was by my nine year old, while her sisters played in the chilly afternoon mid-tide at our local boat launch. Just the four of us, pausing in the midst of a busy day of errands and work for then to dip into the ocean. Each child is so happy, so independent, and so different; I stopped to breathe and acknowledge their summer love of any body of water. This frozen moment in time, reminds me to slow down, be gentle and enjoy the waves of life.

Three cheers for grounded, love, and life itself. Three cheers for cloudy days of reflection and writing. Three cheers for you as well my friends!

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Today I feel fabulous and almost famous!!! Today I awoke with no headache and almost fixed teeth. Today I awoke to sunshine and the toaster ticking away for my egg sandwich and water boiling for my coffee. And today I am published on another person’s blog!

Today is a new day, with new opportunities!!!

So head on over to Mommy Rebellion and see what I had to say and chasing a busy busy Bee!

http://mommyrebellion.com/busy-bee-chase/

THAT mom, yup, it was me

 

A year ago…and I still occasionally get that tightness in my chest when I pull away from the curb, when I pass the spot where I sat for what seemed like hours.

But I have grown, and changed and learned. Mostly I have learned not to panic…it will all work out, just not in the way I had planned.

Today, my husband is again in England, but now my daughter rides the bus. Today my car still has little quirks, like needing coolant checked and tire pressure checked weekly, but now I can prepare and be ready with solutions, and a snack for myself.

Here’s three cheers for growing up!!! And three cheers for working it out!!! And three cheers for teaching our little people to, at least try, to roll with it!!!

Source: THAT mom, yup, it was me

🍀 Lucky

Lying awake at 3 am. My nose begins to run, not a cold, not allergies, Worry. I am worried about something, but I don’t really know what. I try to ignore it (impossible). I try to reach the tissues by the bed without opening my eyes (impossible).

My stomach rumbles. Hungry, yes, but also Worry. It is that strange feeling of maybe you over ate, maybe you have a sour stomach, maybe you want some food. Also impossible to ignore.

But lying next to me, rolling over to rub my back, and ask if I am okay, is my partner, my husband, my rock. Not judging or annoyed at being awoken. Just there, if and when I need him. He is there to hug, to listen, to hear.

Today, I am lucky. I am loved.

I am loved. I am important. I am worthy. I am me, and that is wonderful.


I do not fall back asleep, but run through my mind stopping at odd spots, like my first day of fifth grade, when I realized I was not something special. Or perhaps the beginning of anxiety in fourth grade when I did a presentation on Ireland, but the cassette tape had been put in the player with the wrong side up, and it didn’t play the wonderful Irish music to go with the Irish soda bread I had made the night before.

But at each turn and stop in my head, I know that it is okay. I am loved. I am lucky.

Tomorrow (really today) is a new day and I will try again. This is not my ‘normal’ middle of the night wake up. This is calm and contemplative. A bummer to not be asleep, but such a deep and profound sense of love and acceptance that I am almost brought to tears.

Demons, to Imp, to Pennies

Bit by bit and little by little, the world is coming back into view.

In trying to explain my depression/anxiety attack/ super emotional mental state, I usually say it is like a dark shadow, lingering. Like a demon lurking. I am unsure if any turn of events will spark a new flood of tears and feelings. A pile of books, a dirty dish, a fallen picture, or better yet: a text message or Facebook post interpreted in sadness and dejection. The daily chores of a household seem to be all I can even fathom attempting, the cooking of something worthy of eating, the washing of maybe one load of laundry, perhaps a walk through the garden to collect over grown zucchini to throw to the chickens.

But even those tasks are dangerous. Even those tasks will remind me of my failures, my set backs, my to-do lists taunting me.

And so I retreat to easier to control bubble popping games on my phone, alone in my bedroom. Telling myself, just one more time, then I will clear the table and sweep the entryway and take out the trash.

Then, today perhaps, it has shrunk to more of a black imp. A mischievous child in the other room, perhaps drawing on the wall, or trying all the t-shirts I just folded. It is the definitely annoying mess left behind from a day of living room art projects. But not the disaster of gallons of exterior oil paint spilled on shag carpets.

The circle of my own light is slowly growing, though fuzzy at the edges. I am warming, slightly. I can walk through the house without my winter slippers to find my water glass, and return to the coziness of my bed, not shivering and chilled to the bone.

Slowly I see the lists growing shorter and easier to read. I am beginning to see my husband, my partner in life, helping and loving me, just the way I am. Perhaps I am worthy; perhaps I am not a burden of emotional upsets and creator of disasters.

The shadow is still there, but I am trying. I am listening a little harder to the other voices whispering, “I am okay, I am loved, I am enough”.

And there, at the bottom of the washing machine, is a shiny penny…

“This little penny is to wish on

And make your wishes come true…

…For this penny is to love on

And where love, is heaven is there

So with just five pennies, if there these five pennies

You’ll be a millionaire”

-Danny Kaye: “Five Pennies”

All in under an hour…lol

Folding laundry…folding laundry.

Towels in fourths, then thirds, then put away. Shirts hung up, short sleeves to the lefts, long sleeves to the right, face them all the right direction. Oh look at this extra lamp shade on the table, that would be perfect for Z’s lamp with the broken shade.

Up the stairs, try the shade. A little too big. Hmmm. And the cord is on the wrong side of the shelf. Hmmm… I know! I can fix the old shade with clear gorilla glue tape. Down the stairs with the extra shade and to retrieve the tape.

Put the extra shade in the garage. Oh look this gardening tool I was looking for. And I probably should take the empty bottles outside to the recycling.

Take the bottles outside, and put the garden tool with the other garden tools in the woodshed. Hmmm. I still have these clothes to go to Young ‘Uns. I should put them in the car. And I really need to get more wood stacked while it is dry.

But wait! I was doing laundry. Right! Back to laundry! Fold a shirt, fold a pair of pants, match a pair of Z’s soccer socks…

But wait! I was fixing Z’s lamp. Find the tape. Head back up the stairs. Looking for scissors in her room to cut the tape. Oh look: a couple glasses and a dirty towel to take down stairs. Take glasses and towel down to the kitchen…now what was I doing?

The light!

Back up the stairs. Fix the lamp shade. Adjust the cord to the correct side of the shelf and back to…oh yes, laundry.

Fold a shirt, fold a pair of pants, this must be little L’s new dress. But where is L’s basket? Hmmm…probably still in her room full of yesterday’s clean clothes. Oh well, just start a pile.

In comes the cat. Cat sits beside the pile. The pile falls over. Ugh! Fold the clothes again and remove the cat from the clothes folding table.

Washing machine beeps, all finished. But there are still clothes in the dryer and clothes filling the table…fold faster! If I fold these sheets that will make some room, but ugh, fitted sheets!

Kinda have a headache, I should drink more water. Out to kitchen to find my glass, and see my morning coffee cup still on the counter.

I will just put this in the dishwasher, then I will get back to the laundry. And here is another glass in the sink, I will just find a spot for that in the dish washer too. Hmm. It is kinda full and I really should run it, but there could be more room if I just rearrange the bottom shelf I could probably get these cereal bowls in too. And this plate, it needs to be hand washed. While I am washing the plate, I could also wash the knife and how about this cutting board. Perhaps just wipe the counters again too.

What is this! Chocolate spilled! Sticky yuck! Rinse the sponge and try again. Those dishes in the drainer could be put away, it will only take me a minute.

Man, this head ache isn’t getting better! Oh yeah, I didn’t drink the water. And it is probably time for lunch. I should find something to eat. Maybe a sandwich.

Eww! This fridge needs cleaning out. Where did this stuff even come from? I don’t even remember making rice, definitely need to take that out. But hmm the sink is getting full, I need to take this to the chickens. What else can I find in her for the chickens? Oh look a full, unopened yogurt! Oh yeah, I am kinda hungry. But I should take these carrots up to the bunnies and the old food out to the compost and chickens first. And then wipe down the refrigerator shelves, then I will get back to that laundry.

Well, actually I want to get that load into the dryer before I forget. I will do that then deal with these food containers.

Oh dear, I forgot the dryer is full and so is the table still. Well, I will just have to pile it on the top and get back to fold it after I finish cleaning the fridge. Where did I put the sponge?

Man, this head ache…oh yeah! My water and some lunch…

À Présent

When the simplest of tasks brings you to tears…

Overwhelmed by my opportunity of a day alone, I try to start by writing out the lists swirling in my head. It all starts fine with lots of spaces between the chores, lots of room for wiggling. But as I continue, my mind keeps whirring and adding till it seems every inch of paper has a job, a need, a demand. And no longer are the chores marching in line, staying in order, moving fully from one room to the next. Now they are jumbled together, standing on each other’s shoulders, pushing against the edges. Like three-year-olds jockeying for a spot in the ice cream line, manic and boisterous and whining for attention. Perhaps I need another cup of coffee, or breakfast, or to go back to bed…

In a whisper, in my head, I hear my own voice trying to help one of my overwhelmed children (let’s just pick one thing and accomplish the moment in smaller bites). And then I also hear my own small voice growing in strength – crying, sobbing, unable to choose JUST ONE. There is no prioritizing the list; everything MUST be done NOW, RIGHT NOW!!!!!

And there, there is where I hear their laughter, and remember the feeling of happiness. There is the memory of teaching her French this past week and loving and laughing as I pretend to hurry her “maintenant, maintenant, maintenant!” The rolling on the floor, belly cramping laughter. The good feeling flowing over my aching heart like chocolate over strawberries; filling the seeds of doubt and sadness, with smooth sweetness and love. There I feel forgiveness.

The wave has passed. I can see this moment gently flowing to the next and can let go of the expectations and demands and make a choice. I can be happy, for these few moments at least, with the choices I make and the outcomes that result. I can be present for myself.